I am a failed parent............

No, no you don’t need to reassure me that it is not the case as I know that it is true and is probably true for all us parents in some ways……. The trend now is to say that our parents were wonderful, amazing in every way and the “best ever” but I suspect that we have all failed …….. even when we didn’t mean to - maybe especially when we didn’t mean to!  A few years ago I went through some counselling when I was struggling to understand what drove my constant search for love and affirmation and my ability to take the merest slight as full blown rejection……. It was helpful and it did involve looking at how I was parented and seeing some roots to my issues.  Thankfully I did not discuss any of this with my Mum and step Dad, as looking back I can just see that they did their best with what they knew and the prevailing wisdom of the time.

To back this up, I have recently had the privilege of going through my parents personal things in order to clear the bungalow they shared for over 40 years, following my step Dad’s death at the grand old age of 98 in September 2021.  And it HAS been a privilege if somewhat emotional at times.  I found a little bundle of letters of condolence sent to my Mum when me and my sister were children.  Our biological  Daddy died untimely young following a painful terminal illness.  I also found a little bundle of black edged cards that had been attached to the flowers at his funeral, including one that simply said “For Daddy with love from Anne and Virginia” written in my Mum’s beautiful neat handwriting before the minor strokes gave it a wobble.  In those days children were kept away from the grieving process and did not attend funerals……. We have a different understanding now……. But those were the times in which we experienced this great loss and Mum did her best………

After my sister and I left home, Mum trained as a Lay Preacher.  I found one of her sermons where she recalls leaving the hospital after Daddy had died and driving home, having to pull over and lean over the steering wheel howling out to God about her loss and grief and asking how she was to carry on………. Knowing that she was going home to two bewildered little girls…….even in that dark place she found that God shared the darkness with her.  I remember her telling me that one of the places she often went to in those difficult days were some words from the bible which say this…….

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you

And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord your God……… you are precious and honoured in my sight…. And I love you”

I have not kept the letters of condolence or the little black edged cards but I do marvel at my loving step Dad living with them in the house all those years, knowing that he was not Mum’s first love and being ok to live with that.  It was so lovely to find all their Valentine’s Day cards to each other, Anniversary cards and photos of holidays and hobbies they treasured together.  Yes I know they weren’t perfect but like so many of us, they did their best with what they knew and the wisdom of their time, just as we are trying to do.

A recent visit to Chichester Cathedral to visit the Field of Blooms has reminded me yet again that whatever darkness we maybe experience in our lives, it is never enough to extinguish the light because God’s promise to us especially in this Advent season is that “the light shines in the darkness and the darkness has never, and will never, overcome it.” May we take that truth into days and weeks to come.